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Jim ile Mary akıl hastanesinde iki hastadır. Bir gün hastanenin yüzme havuzunun etrafında dolaşırken Jim aniden suya atlayıp en dibe batar. Bunu gören Mary hemen ardından atlar ve dibe kadar yüzüp Jim'i kurtarır. Tabii Mary'nin bu kahramanca davranışı hastanede olay olur. Bunu duyan başhekim de Mary'nin artık iyileştiğini düşünüp, hastaneden derhal taburcu edilmesi emrini verir. İşlemler yapılır, belgeler çıkartılır, Başhekim ayni gün Mary'nin yanına gider:
-Mary, sana bir iyi bir de kötü haberim var. İyi haberim, yaptığın kahramanca davranıştan ötürü anladık ki akli dengen tamamen yerinde ve böylece hastanemizden taburcu oluyorsun. Kötü habere gelince, kurtardığın hasta, Jim, intihar etmiş. Az önce odasının banyosunda kendisini asmış bulundu. - Mary gayet sakin yanıt verir: ***8220;O intihar falan etmedi ki. Ben onu astım kurusun diye. ***8220; |
Akıl hastanesinden iki deliyi salıvereceklermiş. Doktorlar kendi aralarında "Şunlara son bir test yapalım da görelim akılları başlarına gelmiş mi" demişler. Bunun üzerine iki deliyi bir masa basına çağırmışlar. Masanın üzerine bir kavanoz dolusu siyah zeytin, bir kavanoz dolusu da canlı hamamböceği dökmüşler ve "Buyrun beyler, yiyiniz." demişler.Delilerden bir tanesi hemen zeytinlere saldırmış, ötekisi araya girmiş, "Önce kaçanları yiyelim, öbürleri nasıl olsa duruyor!"
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Kendisini fare zannettiği için ailesi tarafından bir akıl hastanesine yatırılan adam, birkaç yıllık bir tedavinin ardından; iyice kendine gelmiş. Doktorlar, artık taburcu etmeyi düşündükleri hasta ile son bir görüşme yaparak,iyileştiğinden emin olmak istemişler. Adama sormuşlar:
-"Söyle bakalım; sen insan mısın, fare misin?" Adam gülümsemiş: -"Doktor bey, o günleri geride bıraktım. Elbette ki ben bir insanım." Doktorlar, içleri rahatlayarak: -"Tamam o zaman, artık burada kalmana gerek kalmadı", demişler ve çıkış belgelerini uzatmışlar. Birkaç dakika sonra, gruptaki doktorlardan biri bahçeye çıktığında, adamı bir ağacın arkasına saklanır halde görmüş. -"N'oldu yahu? Sıkılmadın mı buradan, çıksana, git özgürlüğün tadını çıkar!" -"İyi de doktor bey, orada bir **** var!" -"Eee, ne olmuş **** varsa; hani sen artık bir fare olmadığını biliyordun?" -"Ya doktor bey, ben fare olmadığımı biliyorum da; **** benim fare olmadığımı nereden bilecek?" |
Bir işadamı, oldukça yoğun ve yorucu geçen bir seneden sonra tatile çıkmaya karar verir. Eşi de kendisi gibi meşgul olduğu için birlikte tatil yapacakları bir dönem ayarlamak zor olur. İspanya kıyılarında bir otel bulur ve bulduğu ilk uçakla oraya gider. Otele yerleşirken bir aylık bir rezervasyon yaptırır. Bir hafta kadar güzelce tatil yaptıktan sonra, bir akşam yemeğinde garson kendisine bir mektup iletir. Mektubu okuyan işadamı, tatilini geçirdiği otelin yöneticisinin yanına gider. "Ne yazık ki tatil sona erdi..." Yönetici şaşırır ve üzülür. "Ama beyefendi, bir aylık rezervasyon yaptırmıştınız, ne oldu böyle aniden?" İşadamı çaresiz bakışlarla cevap verir: "Evet bir ay kalacağım, ama tatil bitti. Karım işinden izin almayı başarmış ve iki gün sonra burada olacakmış..."
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Nasa uzay üssünde yeni bir deneme yapılıyormuş. Gönüllü başvuranlar arasından Temel, astronot adayı olarak seçilmiş. Ön elemede oldukça sıkı testleri geçen Temel; 3 aylik ikinci bir eğitim ile iyi bir astronot olabilmiş. Beklenen an gelmiş ve Temel bir maymunla birlikte uzay mekiğine binerek havalanmış. Atmosfer aşıldıktan sonra Temel'in ilk işi; kendisine sıkı sıkıya söylenildiği gibi zarfları açıp maymunun ve kendisinin görev kartlarını okumak olmuş. Maymunun görevleri: "Yerküre ile bağlantıyı sürekli kontrol altında tutmak; her 2 saatte bir yörüngedeki sapmaları ayarlamak; füze içindeki hava basıncı, ısı, iletkenlik değerlerini aşağıya bildirmek; yakıt harcamasını ve motorların sırasını belirlemek..." diye devam ederken; okumaktan sıkılan Temel, kendi görev kartını açmış : "Maymunu iyi besle!"
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Trabzonlu imamlarla, Rizeli imamlar turnuva düzenleyip maç yaparlarmış; ama her defasında Rizeli imamlar yenerlermiş. Trabzonun takım kaptanı Temel Hoca demiş ki; "uşaklar bu böyle gitmez, bizim Trabzonsporlu Hami'yi takıma alalım, diyelim ki bu bizim merkez caminin yeni hocası." Diğerleri de kabul etmişler ve maça gitmisler Rize'ye. Dönüşte takım kaptanı Temel Hoca'ya sormuşlar, "mac ne oldu? diye; "2-1 yenildik" demiş. "Peki golleri kim attı?" diye sormuşlar; Temel "bizim golü Hami Hoca attı; onların golleri de Del Pierro Hoca ile Roberto Carlos Hoca attı.." demiş.
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Temel Çımacı olmuş, ilk kez yurt dışına gitmişti. Gemi Liverpool Limanı'na yanaşırken, Temel iskeledeki İngiliz'e bağırdı: - Tut şu halatı! İngiliz anlamadı bir şey.. Temel yine bağırdı: - Tut şu halatı! İngiliz'de gene hareket yok.. Temel ortaokuldaki ingilizcesi ile bağırdı: - Do you speak English? - "Yes.. Yes.." dedi İngiliz; Temel öfkeyle bağırdı: - O zaman tut şu halatı..!
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Temel ile Dursun iddialaşıyorlarmış "Ben daha iyi dalarım" diye. Temel: - "Haçan ben 25 m'den denize dalarum da bana mısın demem." Dursun itiraz eder: - "Yok yapamazsın!" Derken Temel: - "Gel uşağım, sana ispatlıyacağum." diyerek çıkar 25 m. yüksekliğe ve cumburlop dalar çıkar bir anda. Dursun iddiayı daha ileri götürür: - "Haçan ben de 30 m.'den denize dalarum da bana mısın demem." Temel itiraz eder: - "Yok yapamazsin!" Derken Dursun: - "Gel uşağım, ben de sana ispatliyacağum." diyerek çıkar 30 m. yüksekliğe ve cumburlop dalar çıkar o da. Temel kızarak iddiayı daha ileri götürür: - "Ula ben şu dolu kovaya 2,5 m.'den dalarım.". Dalardın, dalamazdın derken çıkar Temel 2,5 m. yüksekliğe ve su dolu kovaya dalması ile çıkması bir olur. Ne de olsa Temel iyi bir dalıcıdır. Dursun da kızarak iddiayı arttırır: - "Ula ben de şu dolu kovaya 3 m.'den dalarım." Dalardın, dalamazdın derken çıkar Dursun 3 m. yüksekliğe ve su dolu kovaya dalar ve çıkar. Öfkeden gözü dönen Temel: - "Ben ıslak bir havluya 2 m.'den dalarım." demeye başlar. Dursun her zamanki gibi muhalefeti oynar. Bunun üzerine Temel: - "Getirin bakayım şu ıslak havluyu!" der. Çıkar 2 m.'ye ve balıklama atlar aşağıya. Yere 'Güüüm!..' diye çarpar başını. Sersemlemiş bir vaziyette doğrulurken söylenir: - "Kim sıktı bunun suyunu yahu?"
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biraz ayip olabilir ama ;)
Bir gün hoca vaaz veriyormuş: -Abdest ibadetin en sağlam temelidir. Temel söz almış ve şöyle demiş: -Nasıl sağlam temeldir o, bir osuruğa çökeyi |
arzail
bir gün bir kadının yanına azrail gelmiş senin sonun geldi seni öldürecem demiş kadın ne olursun benim daha doğmamış torunlarım var onları bir göreyim demiş azrail peki demiş sonra kadın esletik yaptırmış erzail onu bir arabaya çarpıtmış sonra kadın hani beni öldürmeyecektin demiş azrailde ben seni tanıyamadım ki demiş |
Ehliyet
Genç kadın direksiyon sınavına girdiği gün bitkin bir şekilde eve döndü.Merakla onu bekleyen kocası sordu: Bari ehliyetini alabildinmi? Bilmem!.. Nedemek bilmem? Nasıl bileyim ayol!..Ben hastahaneden ayrılırken imtihan komisyonu başkanı daha komadan çıkmamıştı!.. |
Adamin biri birgün bir papagan almaya karar vermis.
Saticiya sormus papaganin özelikleri nedir diye. Satici demis ki sol bacagini cekersen merhaba diyor, sag bacagini cekersen iyi geceler diyor. Anladim demis adam. Peki iki bacagini ceksem ne oluyor diye sormus. Bu sefer papagan cevap vermis:" Aptal, o zaman düserim" demis. |
Süperrr yaaa. :D
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Sahte Rus
Soğuk savaşın en cafcaflı yıllarıdır. Birgün Amerikalılar Rusların yeni bir silahı Sibirya'da test ettiklerini haber alır ve derhal en iyi ajanlarını sıkı bir egitime alırlar. Bu ajan kısa sürede Rus gibi yemesini Rus gibi içmesini kısacası gerçek bir Rus gibi davranmasını öğrenir ve derhal görevine başlar.
Sibirya'da bir köye yerleşir. Birgün bir düğüne katılır. Ortama hemen ayak uydurur. Kendi kendine far****lmediğine sevinirken bir ihtiyar adam yanına yanaşır: -Yoldaş sen iyisin hoşsun ama Amerika'lısın der. Ajan saşırır ama bozuntuya vermek istemez ve: -Saçmalama yoldaş nerden çıkardın der. Yaşlı adam da: -Ben okuma yazma bilmem, fazla gezmişliğim de yoktur ama hiç siyahi Rus görmedim... |
Al***305;nt***305;:
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Böbrek nakli ameliyatları ile ünlü doktor Temel'in saçları dökülmeye başlamış.Yakın arkadaşı doktor Dursun, dökülen saçları için üzülen arkadaşına saç nakli operasyonlarının varlığından söz ederek demişki;
- Transplantasyon yaptırsana... Doktor Temel bir süre aynaya bakarak düşünüp fikrini açıklamış: - Bilmem ki o böbrek benim kafada nasıl durur? |
Fadime kocası Temele sormuş:
- Piz kadunlar olmasak düğmelerinizi çim tikerdi? Temel yanıtlamış: -Siz olmasaydınız Tüğmeye ne lüzum vardu? |
Sizden hoşgörü ve iyiniyet istendiğinde...
Adam hastalandığı için izin alıp vaktinden önce eve dönmüş...Bakmış çocuk iki gözü iki çeşme ağlıyor.
- Babaa evde hayalet var... -Nerde oğlum hayalet ben bir şey göremiyorum. -Yatak odasında baba.. Birlikte yatak odasına gitmişler: -Hani oğlum hayalet? -Elbise dolabının içinde baba... Dolabı açmış adam... - Yakın arkadaşlarından Selami dolapta yarı çıplak dikiliyor... Başını sallamış canı sıkkın bir şekilde: -Yahu Selami, demiş,Borcunu ödemekte geciktiğini biliyorum... Fakat bu da yapılır mı be kardeşim.. Bak çocuğu nasıl korkutmuşsun... |
kayunların sürü piskolojisinden bıkan bir koyun sürüyü toplamı uçurumun kenarıan demişki artık kendi başıma bir kara vrebilecek bir bireyim bağlılığı reddediyorum bıktım artık bu uçurumdan aşşağı atlıyacam. diğer koyunlar hep beraber
_bende _bende..... |
hahahhahahahahah
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Guzel fikralar tesekkurler
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